Download this page in PDF format

Let me be the first person to say…. Avatar can suck my balls!

Now that I have that out of my system, let me praise the film before I criticize it. The special effects are pretty spectacular. It is even more impressive in 3-D and should definitely be seen in the theater to get the absolute most out of the visuals. Avatar has truly raised the bar for all future cinematic computer graphics by rendering an impressive world like no other we have ever seen. I am truly excited to see what other directors and writers will produce to pick up the gauntlet that this movie has thrown down. Maybe, Tyler Perry will grace us with “Madea goes to the Moon” in 3-D. Now, having said that……

If you have been reading other reviews, you would be led to believe that Jesus himself has come back to Earth and his name is Avatar. Or more correctly, James Cameron is our new lord and savior. Well J.C. (Hmmmmm. Coincidence?) two hours and forty-five minutes of stunning visuals does not make up for the absolute lack of story complexity or one-dimensional characters. Even the outstanding settings and original creatures start to feel empty after you figure out that this film has no depth. There is a tradition of benchmark movies that elevate the way stories are told on the big screen. Just a few that come to mind are Star Wars, Aliens, and Cameron’s own early effort, The Abyss. What these movies had, and Avatar lacks, is an original story that the audience has never seen before. Avatar is a retread of themes and plot devices that have been done for years. The standard “humans are dangerous for the environment and intolerant of other cultures” is the backbone of it all. No shit, James. Tell us something we don’t know. One of the only original ideas that Cameron could come up with was the name for the unobtainable resource the humans wanted to mine on Pandora. Are you ready for this…. it’s called “unobtainium”. James, you truly are a man of vision. Spaceships? Seen it. Humans inhabiting other bodies through machines? The Matrix, and more recently Surrogates. Indigenous people defending a forest world? Ewoks. Blue natives sticking their ponytails into animal ear-vaginas to control their minds? Uhhhhh…..ok, you got me. Nobody wants to see that though. That’s gross! It might have been only slightly more disturbing if Cameron had rendered a huge cock and kept jamming it at your 3-D glasses. “Behold the splendor of James Cameron’s throbbing blue phallus!”

However unoriginal, I do agree with J.C.’s theme that most humans are assholes and intolerant of others. Case in point, the girl sitting behind me who kept kicking my chair. After about an hour and over twenty kicks, I turned around and said, “ Would you please stop kicking my chair.” She responded, “ I can’t move my legs.” Huh?!?! Well they are moving enough to scissor kick my backrest for an hour. Is this a Turrets fit? Is the lower half of your body so large and unwieldy that one mere girl can not possibly control it by herself? Maybe gigantic leg syndrome. Or, are you just a dumb whore? Either way, this is a long movie and you are going to have to work with me here Bigfoot.

Say What?

So in conclusion, you shouldn’t be surprised when I say I will probably never watch this movie again. Maybe it’s the memory of the assault on my chair or all the people out there learning the made up language of Na’vi and hording blue body paint for the inevitable Avatar conventions. The whole experience just left me feeling empty. I will keep watching my VHS of Bloodsport and waiting for Hollywood to remake The Thundercats. Speaking of old cartoons, I think I see Avatar for what it is. It is the longest episode of The Smurfs I have ever seen. They should have just named the evil general Gargamel.